Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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