I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
