I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
