Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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