i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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