Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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