He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
