Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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