Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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