I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
