if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
