Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
whose parrot is this?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
