I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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