I can tuck mytits in my pants
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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