You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
