My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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