please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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