we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
