You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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