when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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