Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
