dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
