So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
