She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
