He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I know her cup size but not her name....
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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