I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
