I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
