There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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