I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
