no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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