I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize