I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
