I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
