my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
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So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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