I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize