I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
