are you so shy because you have an std?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
