official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
