If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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