Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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