literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
