let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
