My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
