I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
