How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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