Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
