I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
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It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
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I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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