I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
