It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
