So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
