His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
