When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
