Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The best revenge is premature balding
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
