Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
