Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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